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50 shades of Sue Gray

Now Sue Gray has released her findings it is clear to even the most ignorant of Cabinet Ministers that the government has been dancing the Macarena and Cha Cha Slide a few too many times to be considered ‘responsible’. And whilst the Tories were recreating their junior school discos behind the walls of 10 Downing Street, the rest of the country has been suffering through a global medical and economic crisis.

Sue Gray’s report is understandably an area of much controversy, especially for Boris Johnson, who remains incredibly secretive about his killer dance moves. Of course, if people found out, they would want him on Strictly Come Dancing immediately after being forced to finally retire. Let’s be honest, his YMCA could feature prominently next to Theresa May’s Dancing Queen in the Tory dancers Hall of Fame.

Furthermore, I’m sure many of you were interested in the following period drama love story seemingly playing out between Boris Johnson and Sue Gray’s report, as he has seemed obsessed with its imminent arrival, especially as a convenient excuse to avoid answering questions. However, with a shocking mid-season twist, a love triangle has emerged, as the police investigation now takes the PM’s fancy, as he seems to anxiously wait for this new report before answering questions this time. And I know the whole country is watching and waiting for the high tension, drama filled final episodes of the Tory government.

All jokes aside, it cannot be only myself wondering how many times Boris Johnson will be waiting for the next report? Is it really so difficult to notice you’re at your own birthday party? And is it wise for Boris Johnson to make us believe he is purely delusional instead of just a liar? It’s this delusion that must have caused many government officials to believe Joe Lycett’s fake Sue Gray report to be real. Posted on Lycett’s social media, a government worker contacted the comedian, saying many in Parliament were convinced. Considering government officials can’t even recognise their own reports, I cannot be the only one concerned about whether they have the ability and competence to … oh I don’t know … run a country?

However, it was nice to see a politician out of their comfort zone as, in a rare, eclipse-like event, we saw the Prime Minister utter the word ‘sorry’. Albeit, he was reading a pre-prepared statement and proceeded to act aggressive and angry whilst defending his government’s actions. Johnson is clearly not accustomed to the art of apologising as it felt like I was watching a GCSE drama devised piece about the failings of the government. It was comparable to a nature documentary, without the calming voice of David Attenborough, as the politician hyperventilated in the wild and unknown world of apologising, struggling to make it to the end of his sentence.

One thing is certain, Keir Starmer came out of this looking like the good guy, remaining calm and composed whilst Bo-Jo let his hair down and went crazy, trying to defend a corrupt and scandalous government, Starmer looked thoroughly bored of Johnson’s antics. In spite of criticism labelling him as too boring, is this so bad when we’ve seen the damage the crazed office of Boris Johnson can do? 

After everything the country has been through recently – Brexit, COVID, scandals left, mainly right, and centre – is it so bad if Britain’s New Year resolution is to become boring? The news is flooded with our government’s mistakes and errors, wouldn’t it be nice to not wake up to news of how the government has fucked up the country again? If you ask me, we need to go into hiding for a few years and then take a tip from Rom Com movies, and make a big return with a full makeover into the country with a stable, honest and competent government at last.

Illustration courtesy of Alexa Sambrook