• Thu. Dec 7th, 2023

Alternative New Year’s Resolutions

ByMolly Newhouse

Jan 25, 2017

Replace your flatmates food:

Stop stealing other people’s food from the fridge. No, seriously: they’ve all got together and are planning their sweet revenge. Make it up to them quickly before you find yourself a victim to an unsavoury prank.

Stay fat and happy:

Has dieting actually ever made you feel happy? Probably not. You know what’s guaranteed to make you happy? Domino’s. Even better if you still have some discount codes from Welcome Week.

Watch more Netflix:

You’re laughing at this one, but at least it’s achievable. Login to your ex’s Netflix on your laptop and get into bed. What sort of person would make their resolution to ‘attend all their lectures’? Somebody without a Netflix account, that’s who.

Get drunk more:

I mean, I know we’re students, I know we drink more than the average adult, but isn’t this why we all really came to university? (Sorry Mum). Don’t be so boring, there’s no more exams till May and if you don’t go soon the staff at Sneaky Pete’s might forget you…

Text your ex weekly:

You were looking for an excuse anyway. Stop feeling guilty every time you consider sending “hey” or “wyd?” by making it your New Year resolution. That way, you can offset your guilt with a sense of achievement. (This resolution is not advised if you are in a relationship, but it is a free country).

Make an interesting fact:

Do something stupid enough that you have a ‘interesting fact about yourself’ to be used in ice breakers or awkward silences. I accidentally flashed Benedict Cumberbatch; your move.

Fix 2016:

I have no advice on how to achieve this one, but take one for the team and try.

Develop your idiolect:

Say a word ironically so often it becomes part of your vocabulary. We’ve all done it. The days of ‘yolo’ and ‘lol’ are gone. Now we’re saying ‘like’, ‘sick’ and ‘solid’ as if we’re all 13 again. You’re going to do it anyway, so you may as well make it your resolution.

Start taking a packed lunch:

Then you can sit in Teviot feeling good about the salad you made… before you break and buy a burger anyway.

Look to the future:

Write a letter to your future-2018-self explaining what you’d like to have achieved and then spend the year letting yourself down.

Oh, wait, isn’t that what resolutions are?

[Image: SchroederHund via Pixabay]

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