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  • Horoscopes: 28 March 2018

Horoscopes: 28 March 2018

AQUARIUS Your sister forgets to invite you to her daughter, your niece’s christening. You understand that it’s implied by your proximity to the girl, but it would have been nice…

Horoscopes: 14 March 2018

AQUARIUS Chance would be a fine thing, a fine thing indeed. SCORPIO Midnight creeps so slowly into hearts of men who need more than they get. Daylight deals a bad…

Horoscopes: 28 February 2018

AQUARIUS You find out that some brands of hotdogs are 92 per cent anus, which makes you feel better about yourself – being approximately less than one per cent anus.…

Horoscopes: 10th April 2017

ARIES You return from a 2 hour coffee break at the library to find your possessions have been confiscated and are now being burned and used as fuel at the…

Horoscopes: 22 March 2017

AQUARIUS Your flatmates use your trip to the hospital as an excuse to get drunk in public. It sounds fun at first, but the puns of ‘Ale & E’ get…

Horoscopes: 14 March 2017

AQUARIUS After demolishing two plates of Teviot nachos in a new PB of seven minutes and 42 seconds, you adopt a food baby. You name him Eric and you love…

Horoscopes: 8th March 2017

AQUARIUS You discover Aldi’s chocolate crunch cereal, and promptly treat yourself to 12 boxes of the sugary goodness. After five straight weeks of the same breakfast, it will begin to…

Horoscopes: 1st March 2017

AQUARIUS Clarify your stance on pineapple and pizza before shit hits the fan. Choose carefully. SCORPIO Don’t be afraid to rely on others for help sometimes! Your flatmates in particular…