AQUARIUS
Chance would be a fine thing, a fine thing indeed.
SCORPIO
Midnight creeps so slowly into hearts of men who need more than they get.
Daylight deals a bad hand to a woman who has laid too many bets.
Dance! Boogie wonderland.
CANCER
As the repulsiveness of the work increases, the wage decreases, so don’t expect that student loan any time soon.
GEMINI
Trust me, that cheap flat in Polwarth is NOT worth the walk.
SAGITTARIUS
Honestly, what does retrograde even mean? Anyway, don’t cross the picket line, you snake.
PISCES
You find the rare white creme egg. Before you know it, you’ve risen to fame. You’re on The One Show with Ross Kemp. The egg tastes horrible.
TAURUS
In Cars 2, Lightning McQueen and the gang take an action-packed trip to Europe. At the World Grand Prix in Italy they witness the visit of Pope Pinion IV. The Pope travels in his trusty steed, the Popemobile. A CAR in a CAR. No problem. How come, Brad Bird?
LIBRA
Mercury crosses your horizons. The Wii music theme is stuck in your head. Dum dum dum ba DUM DUM DUM DUM!
VIRGO
You like to cook with wine. Sometimes, you even put it in the food!
CAPRICORN
Keep Cup! You bought a Keep Cup! You smugly stroll into library cafe, comfortable in the knowledge that the ice caps, the white rhino and the ozone layer have been saved, thanks to you and your trusty Keep Cup.
ARIES
Venus is in retrograde, just like your dreams.
LEO
The snow killed your daffodils.
Image: NASA/JPL-Caltech