• Sat. Dec 2nd, 2023

Horoscopes: 22 March 2017

ByWiley Lassiter

Mar 22, 2017


Your flatmates use your trip to the hospital as an excuse to get drunk in public. It sounds fun at first, but the puns of ‘Ale & E’ get tired very quickly.


It’s time to host a flat party. It starts well but your neighbour decides to shut it down before midnight, leaving you left with a ton of booze, but no friends.


A small superglue disaster results in you being stuck to a picture frame for a day.


Someone has taken your seat in the library! How dare they sit where you have spent so many miserable hours? A fight to the death is the only way to settle this.


A dog in the meadows looks like it wants to be your friend. The owner thinks otherwise but you know that one day you will be reunited.


You have a minor breakdown when you realise that your wardrobe is made up of just one cardigan in a variety of different colours. But they are just so snug…


After a drunken dare, you decide to buy the internet domain name of ‘www.elephantspretendingtobecoconuttrees.com’.


The development of an irrational fear of the colour yellow makes you scared of tropical VKs.


Stop trying to second guess yourself and expect the expected. It won’t be so bad.


Using niche Oasis lyrics to conclude your essay makes you feel like you’re playing a cheeky joke on the marker.


People are shocked to discover that you are not a fan of tea. Despite your desperate attempts to convince people that you are still decent human being, a riot breaks out on the street.


You come home to find your flatmate chained to the fridge wearing nothing but a tea towel. Leave them there; it’s not your problem.

Image: Duhita Das

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