I have a new hero

Like many of my fellow stem students I spend little time in the main library on George Square. Though in my case it’s out of pure laziness rather than an increased proximity to King’s – though I do like their library more, a lack of ‘social scientists’ adds a certain air of legitimacy to the place. But I had an essay due the next day. And if the last semester has taught me anything, it’s that I’m utterly unproductive in my flat. So, I bundled myself up; thermals, heavy jacket and a scarf, and began the long, arduous journey. I just about survived the 150 metres or so to that most unholy of places. A fine November afternoon it was not. Brisk, chilly, a biting wind. It was exactly the kind of weather I’d pretend to be unfazed by were I not alone, but secretly was quite grateful for my arctic expedition gear.

Now let us introduce our dramatis personae: me, the guy next to me, uni man and, in a minor role, lassie sitting across from me.

I made my way up the unfamiliar staircases. Casting my mind back, what felt like decades, to the last time I set foot in the architectural monstrosity. Desperately trying to find a seat in the crowded, bloated mass of deadline-weary students. Threading my way through a throng of first years who didn’t seem quite grateful enough to be allowed into the building. Finally, I found myself a seat on the third floor. And after 10 minutes of struggling to work out how to check into the seat I had secured for myself I began my work. Ignoring the rucksack placed on the desk to my right.

So there I was. Sitting at my seat, having slaved away on my essay for an hour or so, when a young man suddenly appeared and sat to the right of me. Clearly this had been his rucksack sitting there. Completely untouched for the entire time I’d been there – and likely longer. All the while I had been wondering if I should call someone. After all we are trained from birth to be wary of an unattended bag, and here this selfish git was, having just left his crap, while he went for a wander, or to water his plants or something. Fuck knows. He could have been up the alps for all I know. Regardless, he had at long last returned and upon sitting down promptly removed his mask and left it hanging off his ear. Because the poor wee soul couldn’t bear to suffer the indignity of covering his face any longer. 

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Perhaps he thought we were all desperate for a glimpse of the scraggly, unkempt and patchy beard he was attempting to grow underneath it. I assure you, we were not. (Your bum fluff is not more important than me not catching covid.)

So I mustered up the snidiest glance I could deliver – and trust me, I know how to do snidy. Yet it was to no avail. Despite all my efforts this bloke couldn’t seem to work out that I hated him, everyone he knew, his mum, his dad and whoever else was instrumental in his upbringing, ultimately turning him into a stupid, selfish dick. 

30 minutes later, the hero of our story steps into view. An unassuming gentleman, seemingly an employee of the university, or if not, a vigilante roaming the library in search of those unwilling or unprepared to face the minor discomfort of placing a flimsy piece of fabric over their stupid mouths and noses. A minor sacrifice that saves the rest of us from having to look at their stupid faces. And indeed, means we don’t have to breathe in their special ‘stupid people’ germs. With a graceful step towards us, our hero leant down…

Without a word he gestured at his own mask. This seemingly innocuous act finally prompted Stupid McGitface to put his own mask back on properly. His job done, this mysterious gentleman simply moved on. 

This masked vigilante continued his rounds, stopping only to do the same with a half dozen others who were guilty of the same crime before disappearing out of view.

Truly a hero of the modern age. 

Naturally McGitface pulled his mask off again the second this guy walked away but I guess stupid takes a little while to fix. By the way, if you’re reading this, I still hate you.

Tune in next time to hear about the lassie who was vaping in the seat across from me while all this was going on. Because nowhere is free from selfish idiots

Image courtesy of kaysgeog via Flickr

By Adam Losekoot

Senior Opinion Editor, 'The Opinionator', sexy bastard and all round stand up guy

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