• Tue. Jun 18th, 2024

I’m an MP… get me out of here!

ByIsla McLellan

Nov 18, 2022

This is not a drill! I repeat, this is not a drill! It’s official – Matt Hancock is on I’m a Celeb.

I’m sure everyone was excited for the return of Ant & Dec and their regular on-screen shenanigans. We all certainly enjoyed the most recent series of I’m a Celeb and their regular digs at the Prime Minister at the time – if anyone can remember who it was back then! I’m certain we can expect similar digs at our new best mate Hopeless Hancock.

That’s right. The man that brought you questionable PPE contracts, the mastermind behind policies allowing untested hospital patients back into care homes, the man who had a ‘socially-distanced’ affair. He’s finally decided to fulfil his civic duties and eat a camel’s penis in the jungle!

Now I’m sure many people will be asking why Handsy Hancock decided to participate in a reality TV show. With rumours that he was recently filming Celebrity SAS, maybe we’ll get to see him on the next season of Love Island?

Well, apparently Humble Hancock decided to go on the show for many reasons including raising awareness for dyslexia. Also, he wishes to demonstrate that politicians are just the same as the general public. Holier-than-thou Hancock’s self-righteous stunt isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. He is completely neglecting his constituents and absconding from his job for 3 weeks. Despite his being removed as a Conservative Whip, therefore forcing him to sit as an independent MP for the rest of his time in Parliament, he still has constituents to represent. 

Back to the reality of the situation, can Hapless Hancock really expect to get through the entire show without any repercussions within the ‘safety’ of the show? If not from the British public getting their revenge, his fellow campmates have already subjected him to multiple grillings and interrogations. I myself am awaiting the moment Hideous Hancock cries himself to sleep after he does not get elected Camp Leader in favour of an actor from Hollyoaks.

To wrap things up, I would like to issue a personal statement. I call upon the people of the UK to vote for Matt Hancock for EVERY Bushtucker Trial possible. This is our only chance at revenge through a reality TV show in which contestants are expected, if not contractually obliged to become best mates with rats and snakes, swim in offal and eat fish eyes, fermented eggs or crocodile anus. It is our duty as the British public to right all of Hancock’s wrongs by making him eat blended flies and this is the single most important event for the next 3 weeks. Do your duty as the British public! We have certainly reached a patriotic high seeing him eat a sheep’s vagina, cow’s anus and camel’s penis. But I say more. MAKE MATT HANCOCK EAT A PENIS!

Matt Hancock Digital Covid-19 Presser 28/04” by UK Prime Minister is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.