• Thu. Dec 7th, 2023

News Jack: Pandamonium

ByAilidh Forlan

Sep 23, 2014

This week, Newsjack makes a departure from it’s usual embittered and satirical self, to take a jaunt into the world of poetry. In this new and cultured chapter in Newsjack’s illustrious tenure, our guest poet Ailidh Forlan waxes lyrical about the recent focus on Tian Tian’s reproductive system.

Pandas, the cheeky rascals, have recently shown a trend for faking their pregnancies, in a bid to be offered a more luxurious range of food. Is Tian Tian’s alleged pregnancy really going to provide Edinburgh with an array of adorable, fluffy panda cubs, or is it just a scheme to get more buns?


Always again; artificial insemination,

Stared at pointed at, constant exploitation.

Stolen three years ago from China, Chengdu

I kicked up a fuss, but hey wouldn’t you?



Scientists surround me with expectation,

Let’s face it, this is not ‘accommodation’.

One time I pretended that I had the flu,

Made them rub my back to get me through.



I was promised the dream of adoration,

Confined in these walls, there’s merely frustration.

Just think! If it were you caged in a zoo,

Would you not fake it for bamboo?


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