• Thu. Jul 25th, 2024

The curse of curly hair

ByEmily Hall & Simon Fern

Nov 22, 2016

Lots of the things on this list are everyday, innocuous objects. Some are unfortunate events. What they all have in common is that they are a pain for people with curly hair. Here are the top 8 worst things curly-haired people have to deal with.

1. Velcro and zippers – You are constantly being trapped by your own clothing and actively engaging in embarrassing conflicts with said garments as everyone looks on. Curly hair has a tendency to rove over your shoulders in search of things to cling on to, with intent to absorb (which increases power).

2. Hairdryers – They instantly transform you into a crazed Jacobean portrait, after being subject to their overpriced effects you will emerge as a crude doppelganger for pre-decapitation Charles I, freshly woken from a long but insufficiently peaceful slumber. 

3. The wind – When you emerge from the wind you end up looking like a lion. That is, if you emerge. You have to fight your way dramatically through the Meadows during a storm looking like Medusa, with no visibility whatsoever.Whether or not you will emerge is up to fate alone.

4. Mistaken identity – In a bizarre violation of the usual social taboo, being unnecessarily compared to sheep is perfectly acceptable. Were you to compare a sleek, straight haired person to the underbelly of a whale you might attract more criticism.

5. The cold — You always look like the girl from The Ring because it takes as long as essay feedback for your hair to dry. You will either have to block out long periods of time to stay indoors after showering or nurse a perpetual cold.

6. Interference — People call your hair frizzy to your face and it’s never entirely clear whether this is a compliment, an observation, or uninvited criticism. Inappropriate groping from strange men, overly ‘inquisitive’ passersbys, and entire hen parties become a regular feature of your life. For some reason they develop a cognitive dissonance between ‘you’ as a person and ‘The Hair’ that sits atop your head. Violating the personal space of the latter becomes utterly acceptable to these groundbreaking explorers.

7. Fame – Whilst people might not be able to recognise your name, or face, they do know the back of your head all too well. They just know you should probably be in class rather than untangling your fluff from the zipper in a bustling hallway.

8. Kittens, puppies, and other ‘cute’ animals  – Your hair isn’t just new land for others to experience but entire playgrounds for the small furry animals who confront it. This 4D experience is thrilling for pets but prickly at best and lacerating and bald patch inducing at worst.

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