• Sun. Jul 14th, 2024

The Short Rant: The Clapham Epidemic

ByTasha Stewart

Oct 25, 2023
a yellow train waiting at a platform

Are you a yuppie that’s recently graduated from a Russell Group university? Are you obsessed with sub-par nightlife, natural wine and training for marathons? Do you want to live in a ridiculously overpriced London borough where all of your private school and university friends have decided to congregate?
Well then, I’ve got the place for you! Clapham will fulfil your every desire and make you feel like you never left your Surrey boarding school. The glory days of captaining your school’s netball team or being made head boy will feel like they never ended.

A place I have lovingly nicknamed ‘Wankerville’, Clapham is packed to the rafters with yummy mummies and young professionals alike (now sickeningly nicknamed ‘yo-pros’, I recently discovered). One of the world’s most soulless, boring places, Clapham is somewhere I encourage everyone to avoid if they wish to cultivate an actual personality. My TikTok and Instagram feeds have been infiltrated by Londoners expressing their profound love for Clapham’s gentrified greasy spoons and overpriced delis. Everywhere I turn people I love and care about are selling their souls to the altar of Margot Robbie’s hallowed stomping ground, Infernos.

There is something to be said that through Clapham we get to put all the boring, entitled rich kids in one place, but I do feel sorry for them when I remember that they’ve replaced having a shred of individuality with hosting weekly dinner parties that they affectionately termed ‘supper clubs’.

If you’re happy to pay at least £1000 a month for a room in a shared house, then be my guest. But if you’d rather have an actual personality, then dear God, avoid Clapham like the plague.

66774, Clapham Junction, October 6th 2022” by Southsea_Matt is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.