As an English and Scottish Literature student, it was a rite of passage for me to pick up Donna Tartt’s The Secret History and be equally astounded and horrified at her cast of characters. The novel chronicles Richard Papen, a student arriving at the prestigious liberal arts school Hampden College to study Classics. There, he falls into a bizarre, cult-like group of friends (the only five other students taking the subject), and they discover that true beauty is terrifying. They also kill a man…and their friend.
Whilst the study of Classics has its merits, these characters perhaps miss the mark. So, in an alternate universe where nobody dies, and they all go to a different university (perhaps in Scotland), which degrees would they do?
Richard
This is our main character, our eyes into Tartt’s world. He also has a staggering lack of self-awareness and infuriates the reader at almost every turn. Naturally, he would start with joint honours in Sociology and Journalism and, in his defence, would stick it out until the end of the first year, only to ditch sociology on the grounds of it ‘depressing him’. Now he dreams of writing for a nationally recognised paper (he will never achieve this dream).
Camilla
The only woman in the cult! Speaking as a woman, I can’t help but defend almost every vile action this character takes (I’m sorry, I never claimed to be perfect) and honestly? Camilla deserved better than what she got. She just wanted to study Art History, but her psychotic brother pushed them into doing Classics together, so I’m giving her what she wants! Finally, as an Art History girly, she starts wearing colours beyond the scope of muted white and develops a personality separate from Charles within weeks of starting her course. She drinks coffee in corners of cafés while reading textbooks that actually interest her.
Charles
I hate this man so much. Naturally, he would do philosophy and plays Devil’s Advocate a little too much (too much being every time he opens his mouth). People would be concerned that he not only agrees with Freud but would have actively had an intimate relationship with his mother if given the chance. He drops out after the first year, and no one hears from him again (there is a concerning rumour that he has purchased a Corsa and is hanging out in McDonald’s).
Henry
There’s no defending any of these characters, but Henry is insufferable for the entire book (other than that brief moment he saves Richard from freezing to death in a section that goes on for far too long, if I may offer one critique). Henry would obviously do Politics and History and make everyone want to die. The second he opens his mouth, he doesn’t let anyone else get a word in and naturally graduates with a first, although his dad is probably the University Dean, so no one is shocked.
Francis
Francis is the second best to Camilla. Given that he only ignores an incestuous relationship between friends and doesn’t himself take part in one, he could be considered the sanest of the group. The Secret History has very few characters who genuinely want to study Classics. The rest would probably be happy studying any other humanity if it offers a chance to quote pretentiously and dress in a very specific aesthetic. To this, I offer English Literature. Francis’s favourite Shakespeare play would be Twelfth Night, but he would focus on Russian Literature, claiming he feels a camaraderie with Dostoyevsky (and the Romanovs). An alternative ending for Francis is that he gives up on university and gets an HnD in Real Estate and Property Management (he is the only one that ever appreciated the beautiful buildings they were in).
Bunny
Bunny, Bunny, Bunny. Insufferable, awful, and perhaps the most manipulative of all of them. Bunny would study PPE, and everyone would hate him. His dad is definitely a politician (a Tory in a seat that has been Tory since 1688). He would graduate and end up working as a journalist (sorry, Richard) at The Telegraph or something like that. He would marry a ‘nice girl’ he met there who, of course, is at least five years younger than him and ‘doesn’t mind’ his numerous affairs. Concerningly, he gets elected to the British parliament.
Image “The Secret History” by Manchester Library is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.