• Sun. Feb 25th, 2024

William the Conqueror

ByAdam Losekoot

Jul 2, 2021

Halle-fucking-lujah. The union is saved. Scottish nationalism has been struck dead in a single blow, never to rear it’s ugly head again.

His royal highness the duke of somewhere and that lassie he hangs aboot with have crushed any prospect of independence all by themselves.

The darling, triumphant couple have promised to spend more time in Balmoral and St Andrews and, quite naturally, all appetite for a second referendum has simply vanished into the aether. The supposed hunger to go our own way as a nation and legislate for ourselves as – opposed to being held hostage to Englands xenophobic and right wing fervour and seemingly unshakeable adoration of the bumbler-in-chief’s tories – was actually just a cry for attention. All this time we’ve just needed a cuddle from an HRH. We can now put this whole embarrassing business of wanting to settle our own affairs behind us.

On the same day that the champions of the monarchy and our future gracious rulers made this revolutionary commitment we also learnt that the traitorous quisling ginger and his divorced American floozy had betrayed the trust and kindness of the royal family and their once devoted subjects. I can’t remember what it was they did but the daily mail was fucking raging and that’s enough for me.

I’m just thankful that the defender of the crown has finally assured us simple jocks that we needn’t worry ourselves about the complicated matters of statehood and should simply get on with the vitally important business of cheering and clapping for his granny every time she dons another hat and deigns to grace us with her presence. Truly we are spoilt upon this great island.

We needn’t worry about holding the governments in London accountable when we could instead reach into our wallets and throw our hard earned cash in their general direction. This is the only way we can show our deep-rooted appreciation for all the hard work they do and the vital checks and balances they provide to our democratic system.

Who doesn’t remember the last time queenie stepped in to fix our democracy and save us all from an out of control, increasingly fascistic government intent upon killing almost 130,000 of their darling subjects through a delightful concoction of incompetence, British exceptionalism and right wing fervour? She can’t be expected to stick to only meddling in referenda surely?

Dare I say we should close Holyrood tomorrow and give it to the crown to be repurposed as medium-sized living room for the Palace of Holyrood House. Or maybe Andrew can have it as his bedroom? It is after all near a number of high schools. With Queenie in charge we won’t need a government in Edinburgh with even the limited powers of the current one – let alone a proper, fully functioning government. Instead we should let the monarch reign, as the lord God above intended.

Indeed, wills and kate’s gracious gesture was announced on the anniversary of Robert the Bruce’s death, some 900 years prior and I for one can think of no better way to commemorate the memory of one King than to utterly and completely bend the knee to dear old ‘lillibet’ (or however the fuck it’s spelt, stupid name anyway). God save the queen and all that jazz.

Illustration: Adam Losekoot

By Adam Losekoot

Senior Opinion Editor, 'The Opinionator', sexy bastard and all round stand up guy

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